


If You Gaze Long Into An Abyss...

by hidekaneheadcanons



Series: A Hauntingly Hidekane Halloween [8]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Moral Ambiguity, Vigilante AU, Vigilantism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2021-01-06 01:42:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21218480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hidekaneheadcanons/pseuds/hidekaneheadcanons
Summary: In a dark alley, late at night, Hide takes his first life.





	If You Gaze Long Into An Abyss...

Hide pulled one of his many knives from the corpse in front of him, wiping the blood on his dark jeans with a grimace. He hadn’t intended to kill anyone tonight, but then the man had pulled a gun and Hide’s instincts took over, hand rearing back and sending the blade flying just how Suzuya taught him. It hit the man square in the chest and he crumbled immediately.

The victim of the attempted mugging had long run out of the alley, using the earliest opportunity to get away from the scene. Hide didn’t blame them. Things could get rough in the 13th Ward.

Hide stared at the body, his stomach rolling. Blood was oozing from out of the wound, and blank eyes gazed upwards at the sky. Did he have a family? Someone that would miss him now that he was gone? Who had Hide just taken from this world?

There was a creak from above. Hide glanced up and saw a dark silhouette hanging from a fire escape. “You sure did a number on him, huh?” Kaneki dropped down, bending his knees to absorb the impact. He stood and circled the scene of the crime. “Should take half an hour. You wanna wait or head home while I call it in?”

Kaneki was a member of the clean-up crew. They were part of a loosely organized group of people that helped fight crime in the city: The United Vigilante Front. If the police wouldn’t do it, they would. Especially in wards like the 13th that had high crime rates.

“I’ll wait.” Hide whispered, walked over to the nearby wall and let his shaky knees collapse and carry him to the ground. Kaneki pulled out his cellphone and gave the rest of the crew the details. Then, he started working, isolating the areas where there would be evidence and prepping them for cleaning. Ten minutes later a van pulled up. They wrapped up the body for later disposal, cleaned up, and got rid of the evidence. It didn’t take long for the alley to look just as it did an hour earlier. Like nothing had ever happened. Like Hide hadn’t just taken a life.

Once clean-up was done, Kaneki knelt in front of Hide, taking in his pale face and shaking shoulders. Realization dawned on him. He sat beside Hide, putting at arm around his shoulders. Hide leaned into the embrace and closed his eyes, which were starting to sting from the effort of keeping the tears back.

Kaneki pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of his head and a sob finally tore its way through Hide’s throat.

“Oh, Hide. You should have said something.” Kaneki wrapped him up tighter. “It’s okay. You had no choice. You know that.”

“But –“ Hide shook his head. “I didn’t have to.”

“You would have died. He had a gun, Hide. And he had the intent to use it.” Kaneki brushed tears from Hide’s cheeks. “I’m just glad you’re alive.”

Hide and Kaneki had been dating for 2 months, having met while Hide was still a newer recruit training under Suzuya. Kaneki had been in the organization since he was eighteen, for a total of four years. Compared to him, Hide was a total newbie.

He didn’t know how to deal with things like this – to deal with the loss of life when he was out on a mission and something bad happened. Kaneki on the other hand, saw this type of stuff all the time. He cleaned up after messes like this. Hide didn’t know how he did.

“Does it get any easier?” Hide choked.

Kaneki hesitated. “it shouldn’t. But yes, for some it does.”

Hide didn’t really like the sound of that. He didn’t want to feel the pain, but he didn’t want to be the type of person who wouldn’t either. He swallowed thickly, bile still rising to the back of his throat. “I want to go home,” he mumbled. He couldn’t stand to be in that alley for another minute.

Kaneki gathered Hide up. Hide couldn’t remember if Kaneki got him to walk, or if he had to carry him. But eventually he found himself in a car, Kaneki buckling his seatbelt and settling down next to him. Hide clutched onto him, not willing to let him go. If he did, he might just break apart into tiny little pieces.

As soon as they got into the car, it seemed like they were getting out again, Kaneki prodding Hide along. Hide pulled out his apartment keys with numb fingers and handed them to Kaneki. Hide’s hands were shaking too badly to unlock the door.

All Hide wanted to do was collapse into bed, close his eyes, drown himself in Kaneki’s presence, dream a beautiful dream, and never wake up. But this was reality. And in reality, Kaneki caught Hide’s arm before he could even make his way to the bedroom.

“We should get you in the bath first,” he said quietly.

Hide looked down at his dark clothes, not understanding at first. Then he saw the blood on his leg and jacket from his knife. He could feel where it soaked through, sticking to his skin. His knives were still inside his jacket, including the bloodied one. Hide would have to pull it out and clean it – the weapon that he just used to take a life.

Hide didn’t move – couldn’t move – so Kaneki started peeling off his clothes for him, nudging him to lift his arms when he had to take off his shirt, or to step out of his pants. Oddly enough, Hide realized it was the first time Kaneki ever saw him naked.

A hysterical laugh burst out of him, followed by a much quieter sob. Kaneki hugged him to his chest again, turning on the water and waiting for the tub to fill. Once the water level raised and Kaneki decided it was the appropriate temperature, he guided Hide in, and reached for some shampoo.

Hide wished he could close his eyes, but all he could see when he did and the look of surprise on the face of the man he killed. The ways his lips moved, but no noise came out. The way his body crumbled. He could still hear the sound it made when he hit the ground.

Kaneki’s hands moved over him as he scrubbed the blood of his skin, almost impersonal in his firmness and preciseness. Hide wondered how many times he had to do this for himself, how many times he had no one to help him…

Once squeaky clean, Kaneki drained the water and wrapped Hide up in one of his fluffy bathrobes, and finally dragged Hide off to bed. Hide couldn’t help but drag his feet. He felt exhausted, but even then he didn’t want to go to sleep, knowing there would be nightmares.

Still, the second he laid down, he could feel sleep beginning to claim him, even as he fought it. Kaneki pulled the blankets over him, then hesitantly climbed on the mattress and laid down on top of the covers. He rubbed Hide’s back and Hide pressed his face against his chest.

“I don’t want to go to sleep.”

“I know. I know, love.” He held Hide tightly. “I’ll be right here, if you need me, okay? I promise.”

Hide nodded, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes.

Kaneki kept his promise. He was there in the morning when Hide first woke up, initially forgetting what happened, and promptly running to the bathroom to empty his stomach. He was there for the following days, when Hide would wake up crying, or see the face of the man he killed when he passed people on the street. Or the following weeks, where Hide would be going about his day, and without warning, start to drown in his guilt.

Eventually the pain faded, but it never left him. Not really. Kaneki was there when Hide decided to return the blades to Suzuya, but came back home with them anyway, unable to part with him. The feelings of helplessness and the sense of giving up were worse than the feelings of guilt. How could he not try to save people when he had the power and ability to? Hide continued his work with the United Vigilante Front.

Inevitably, in a dark alley, late at night, Hide took his second life. It wasn’t any easier than the first time. Hide was horrified, but also relieved for that. He wondered what type of person that made him.


End file.
